Family life can be wonderful, but it can also be stressful. Relationship breakups or tensions, family illnesses or deaths and or even just major transitions and changes can be sources of stress that will be felt by everyone in that family, including the children.

Stress is also a learning opportunity for children, helping them to develop the resilience that will help them cope better with life’s difficulties.

SDN’s Wendy Daniel, whose work for SDN’s Brighter Futures program involves supporting vulnerable families who are often dealing with significant stress, has provided a step-by-step guide to help families when they find themselves in stressful times.

Step one – identify if your child is experiencing stress

Every child shows signs of stress differently. As a parent you understand your child best and are best placed to look for signs that your child is under stress. Has your child’s behaviour changed in any significant way? How has their behaviour changed? For example a child who has been toilet trained for some time, might start wetting the bed, or a child who is usually very independent might be reluctant to explore the world and want to say close to you.  

Step two – Be curious about this behaviour

It’s important not to jump to conclusions about your child’s behaviour. Take some time to reflect on what you are observing.

Step three – check in with any other significant adults in their life

Does your child attend preschool or childcare? Do they have a regular child minder? Is there another relative, like a grandparent who spends time with them? If so, you can get a holistic picture of your child’s behaviour by checking in with them and ask if they have noticed a change in behaviour too.

Step four – deal with your own stress

The same thing stressing your child is probably stressing you too. Your child’s change in behaviour could easily be adding to this stress. Take some time for yourself, as your own stress management will impact on your child.

Step five – Take the time to sit with your child to discuss their stress

It’s important to consider your child and plan to have a conversation at a time and in a place that feels safe to them. Some ideas to start this conversation may be:

"I noticed this morning you seemed very tired. I wonder why you were feeling tired?”

“That must have been very hard for you. Can you help me understand more about how you were feeling?”

Step six – name the feelings

It is important to support children with a limited vocabulary to identify different feelings by giving them a name. This can be achieved by pointing to different emotions in picture books or cards and giving them a name and an example of when the parent or child may feel like this. Most children only know the feeling sad and happy.

“This bear looks frustrated, I feel frustrated sometimes when I am playing a game with a friend and I don’t win. What makes you feel frustrated?"

“This bear here (point to picture in book) is looking confused; I wonder why it might be feeling like this..?  When do you feel confused? I also feel confused when …”

Step seven – Create a social story

While your responses to your child’s stress will be based on their individual needs one thing our Brighter Futures team finds helps is creating a social story with your child*. A social story is a story about their circumstance that helps a child to make sense of what they may be experiencing at home or school and written in language that makes sense for your child. You and your child can work together to create the story, turning it into a book.

Step eight – Keep going back to this social story

Read it with your child regularly and take the time to discuss what it means. Give the story to other important adults in your child’s life so they can also spend time reading the story through with the child.

Remember, every family experiences stress from time to time and there are ways you can help your children reduce or manage or deal with their stress.

* Social stories are short descriptions of real life situations that help children to understand what they might expect from a specific situation or event, or to better interpret the circumstances surrounding something they may be experiencing.

You can read examples of social stories at https://www.talkingmatters.com.au/about-us/resources/social-stories/. There are also apps you can download to help you write your social story.

More information on creating and using social stories with children is available at https://kidsplaysmarter.com/decrease-anxiety-with-social-stories/